Category: Blog

Now more than ever the people smart leader with a high level of emotional skills is needed to work with their people so that they can restore CONNECTION, TRUST and INSPIRE and RETAIN people. 

Ever since my college days I’ve been curious about what makes me and others thrive in their environments, more specifically prosper. Just like every other human on this planet, I’ve gone through difficult times where I could feel myself halt in life as the world continues to spin around me. In those moments I knew that if I didn’t make an effort to develop and advance, I’d end up withering under the harsh reality of all that is out of my control. Maybe it was my studies of psychology or maybe it’s the fact that I was raised by two coaches, but the more I tried to find what made me thrive the more I realized I was actively ignoring what I needed. For example, it is a scientific fact that one of our most important life-sustaining activities is sleep yet it’s usually the first thing we’ll forgo to complete other tasks. The realization that I was putting more effort into things that made my body feel like it was in overdrive instead of focusing that intent on my own wellbeing was almost comical. I was pretending that the more I could do for others meant that I was moving forward and not getting stuck in the dark clouds. The reality is that the only way to thrive is by doing what YOU need, not what everyone else does. That’s why this year has been eye-opening, in the simplest term. Being at home and facing myself has forced me to discover who I am and how I function best. Where should I set myself up to work and avoid distractions? What are my boundaries between personal and professional hours? What activities make me feel the most recharged? What helps me get through the tough times? All of these questions became a way to reintroduce myself to myself. It was as though we were meeting for the first time because in a way we were. I hadn’t met this version of myself who was selfish in the best way possible. Who focused on what she needed and what made her thrive. I’m not sure it’s a process that ever ends, getting to know yourself, but I can tell you it’s been one of the most beautiful journeys I’ve ever been on and I hope if I can pass anything along it’s this:

You are an amazing person who is incredibly unique, anyone would be honored to meet you. So why not start with yourself?

From the board room table to the dining room table, it’s what I tell most of my clients, the behaviors they are working hard to demonstrate as leaders carry over to their team at home. The team’s faces, activities and expectations are different, but we need to show up in even more important ways, we need to prioritize how we spend our time with the team at home the way we do with the team at work. How are you prioritizing your time? Are you making sure you are being mindful with how you are spending your time?

My cousin told me, treasure every moment, don’t pass up any time for things that can wait; the laundry, the groceries, the errands, all of those things can wait; but life will not wait for you, and if you aren’t careful, you’ll miss it. She wasn’t wrong and her words have been present in my mind since.

At work we are focused, making sure we are meeting expectations, developing relationships with our teams, making ourselves available, asking to be put on projects; we are deliberate and intentional in how we spend our time, because the consequences of not achieving and delivering results can cost our jobs, our income. What would happen if we were intentional and deliberate in how we spent our time with our team at home? Really prioritizing and focusing on the most important things. We get so caught up with completing our to-do list, being productive, that we often leave the other moments for later, when we have more time, when it’s more convenient, when I get everything else done. Life doesn’t wait, our time is the most precious thing we have. We cannot deposit our time in an account for later use, we cannot borrow someone else’s time when we are short, we only have our present time. It is my cousin’s words that allowed me to enjoy the last few months with my father; intentionally spending moments with him, listening to his stories, playing cards, visits to the doctor, short walks around the block, sitting outdoors watching the cardinals. I will never get those moments back, and thankfully I have the memories of having spent them with him. The laundry waited, the dishes were left for later, the most important tasks were completed, spending time with my dad while he was with us. Be intentional with your time and the moments you spend with your team at home. Go to the game, take a walk, listen to the stories and their favorite song, ask questions. Ask yourself, how can you be your “leader best self” with this team?

Being productive with the moments that matter, being intentional with the time you spend, meeting the expectations of your team, it matters at the boardroom table, but is even more critical at the dining room table.

Some people call it our consciousness, some people call it internal dialogue, I call it the observer. There is a part of our brain, the animal non-cognitive brain that without command or as a reaction to sensorial perceptions starts super–fast processes and in less than a second can create an emotional reaction and a chemical cocktail in our bodies.  This reaction mainly occurs when we feel threatened. Nowadays, the threat tends to be more of an intellectual danger rather than a physical one, such as “what are they going to think about me?”. 

The threat is to our identity ego and its associated knowledge, experience, credibility and status. 

I believe as humans we have this wonderful gift which is our capacity to observe our thoughts, words, emotions, and behaviors. But many of us go through life and through our days just thinking, doing, talking, feeling without any conscious observation about it. Seems that this gift is hard to use, and we don’t think about what we think, or think about what we feel, or think about what we say or how we behave.  

For some people this is introspection, reflection or having a conscience. For me it has worked to think about this entity in my brain, like another me, a wiser me that has the ability to observe for example what I am feeling when I am feeling it. The observer in action is capable of slowing down the process and as if watching a slow-motion scene, catch the triggers, ideas and emotions as they arise. By being able to watch them, we improve our thought process. First that awareness transforms what is being observed and some things may become less intense. Secondly, a stronger cognitive brain kicks in to look at facts and data, makes an analysis and decides the best course of action in a better way. 

I believe this observer has always been there and we cannot get rid of him. However, when it’s working unconsciously and untamed, it’s feeding us trash instead of transformation. It’s that little and annoying voice telling us we are not good at something, we are worthless, or we don’t deserve something. And once we notice that it’s right there, actively feeding us information, we can work on taming it. We can make it look at the right things in the right way to feed us empowerment, gratitude and abundance instead of trash. 

The big obstacle to having stronger and healthy observer that works for us, is that our brain is constantly distracted with things, people, notifications and time travel, either memories from the past or preoccupations about the future. The observer can only be grown and improved to become an ally through full attention, mindfulness. 

If you want your observer to work for you and start telling you the right things, making better observations and transforming your reactions and actions what you need to do is to cultivate your brain’s attention capacity. Being able to observe something in an intentional way, in a focused way and in a continuous way for a longer period of time is what unlocks this potential and that is exactly what you do when you practice meditation.   

Give yourself the gift of a high-performance observer by training your mind to consciously observe. Start with 5 minutes a day of relaxing meditation where you instruct your brain to just watch your breathing, pay attention to nothing but air coming in and out of your body and by gently bringing your focus back to only that each time you’re distracted with anything else. Little by little you will make your observer your ally, working for you and not against you. 

Starting your mission to increase your awareness and emotional intelligence growth doesn’t have to be complex or difficult. With intention and determination, you can start as soon as today.

Create space in your day for a few mindfulness moments, it could be between meetings, at lunch or on a coffee break. Take a short walk, find a quiet corner, or even sit in your car. Create a quiet space to think and breath, with no interruptions. Start with 3 deep breaths to settle down your mind. Then begin to breath normally focusing on the breath. As other thoughts, ideas or distractions appear let them go and return to observing your breath. You have to be intentional about this, your brain will want to sneak in thoughts and distractions. After a few minutes, ask yourself about your day so far, what you’ve noticed? What emotions have surfaced? What was happening around you? There are no right or wrong answers here, it’s just to begin creating awareness.

The reflective moments will help you begin to notice your emotions. You may want to change some of them, replace them with others, maybe avoid them altogether. Which brings you to a second step. Setting up intentional actions to create a new response, behavior or action for yourself. With your mindfulness practices you’ve identified specific situations that cause the emotions? Is it a particular experience? a place? a sound? a person? Decide what you would like your new response to be, get specific. Don’t leave it up to chance, set up a reminder for yourself, be intentional about creating this new response. When life happens, our brain goes into action, directly to the path it knows from experience, and until you replace it with the with new one it would consider it as part of the process. During your next mindful moment, reflect on how it’s going? Are there adjustments that need to be made? Are you ready to step it up?

Don’t rush, take your time, small steps to set yourself up for success. By taking the time to create this awareness and challenging yourself to new and more thought-out behaviors and actions you are actively participating in the process of creating new experiences with your brain. You are working as the architect and your brain is executing based on the responses you are designing.

With constant changes around us, we’ve had to embrace our own adaptation skills for our daily routines. Being contained in a place that transformed itself from a cozy home to office, gym, online shopping plaza and movie theater, has not been an easy process and at some times feels like we cannot take it anymore. Technology has helped to stay working and “in touch” with loved ones and friends but the challenges of this type of connection are big.

As an Executive Coach working with leaders to improve things like recognition, delegation, assertiveness in meetings, empathy or engagement I often heard the frustration of connections with people being limited. I think that frustration compares to the one of a kid not being able to go out to play with his friends because of the weather, or the one of athletes not being able to go to the field and practice or play. How do I engage better with people if I only see people through a video conference connection and just for work? How do I cultivate friendships, or get to know someone better if we cannot go to have a couple of beers after work, have lunch together or go to the cafeteria?

I know what you are thinking, Guillermo is so late with this article! The problem is almost over. But the reality is that numerous companies have announced new policies to keep people working from home (it is cheaper), to have rotating schedules so offices will still look abandoned with just a few people working at a given time and to continue creating geographically dispersed teams to work on projects.

Believe me, when it comes to improving your emotional skills and leadership you cannot wait for things to go back to normal, as they say the new normal is…well new and different. Then consider these tips to proactively look for connection and nurturing relationships in these new times.

1. Connect with no business purpose. We can replicate as much as we can the experience of going for a coffee, having a couple of beers at the bar or having lunch together by inviting people to do it remotely. Set a time, set an activity (like wine glass at hand required) and meet with a friend or friends to just chat. This is not a business meeting, it’s “going out” to have some fun and get to know people better.
2. Shared experiences. I have been enjoying how 2 of my daughters create and enjoy their “Bachelor Night”. They set a time, an activity (usually cooking dinner), a video conference connection and then each of them in their IPADs start a chapter of the reality show, every time one of them needs to do something with the cooking, they just pause the show at the same time, and when ready they count 1, 2, 3 and start it again at the same time. They manage this shared experience as if they are watching the show at one home. The same way we can invite a friend to go shopping or window shopping and have a shared online shopping experience or even visit an electronic museum or park through images.
3. Get out of your busyness. A common problem I have heard from working at home is that some people are working more, the lines between work and social or family time got blurred or disappeared when the commuting and leaving the office went away. We are all busier than before, where did all that time spent in a car go? I think from time to time we need to remember what is important, and it is no secret that when in crisis, when in illness or profound despair; the most important is always our relationships with loved ones and friends. We should remember that more often to proactively create the spaces and replicate the experiences that distance, or new ways of working have created, because yes, you can make friends at work.

A big blank canvas can be daunting, exciting and so freeing all at the same time.  But what happens if the blank canvas frightens you and rather than getting your creative juices flowing, it stops you. What if in the past your thoughts and ideas weren’t heard or considered? I think we’ve all been there at one time or another – it can be scary, it gets even scarier when your inner critic constantly reminds you of that time when your ideas weren’t that great, and it keeps telling you all of the reasons you’ll fail at this task. The inner critic can take you from “your idea isn’t good” all the way to “everyone knows more than you, it’s best to stay quiet.” Our inner critic is the one voice that can keep us from trying something new, missing an opportunity or keeping us stuck. But our inner critic is not the only voice that speaks to us, behind that louder voice is a softer voice reminding us that all things are possible, that we are capable and that we definitely deserve to try.  Our inner critic is a risk avoider, and our inner ally is our supporter, reminding us that there is no failure, only a win or learn.

So how do we make sure we are listening to the right voice? How do we create a mindset shift to remind ourselves that we can only win or learn?

The first step is creating a reframe, replacing the negative thought with a positive thought.  What do you want rather than what you want to avoid? Make it into a positive affirmation. Secondly, ask yourself, what is the best that can happen? What is the worst that can happen?

The fear that comes from a blank canvas is uncertainty, and once we know what can happen, best and worst, we can be as creative as we want with all of the in between.  And finally, knowing both extremes, now is the time to ask yourself, If I had a magic wand and all of the resources in the world, what would I say? do? suggest? Share?

Try this for yourself when you are staring at the blank canvas, and try it on your teams to get the innovative juices flowing.  Whether your team is at the office, or at home, it’s a great way to empower and engage others and create a masterpiece from a blank canvas.

It may seem like the reason our curiosity is so engaged as children is because we are fresh in the world without immense knowledge, but in reality we never hit an age of complete knowledge. There’s a word from Zen Buddhism that has really impacted me in my life which is called “Shoshin” or “beginners mind.” The word refers to being eager and open without preconceptions and I find that to be such a peaceful idea. We live in a world where we’re constantly moving and trying to discover the next great thing, but so rarely stop to ask ourselves what we want. Who do we want to be? What makes us happy? What could we do differently? Embracing the idea of a beginner’s mind is an incredible part of a path to growth but it is also something that could affect our lifestyles. When we allow ourselves to ask questions, be open and eager about everything we don’t know, we are able to learn so much more and grow into amazing versions of ourselves. Think of the most important moments of development in your life. Odds are that they didn’t happen when you were completely in control of situations. Rather, we often find the greatest impact in moments of failure and unknown situations.

 

One of the toughest steps in any kind of personal development is breaking habits. Doing things differently can push us deeply out of our comfort zone and asking questions instead of having answers is initially not the most comfortable thing to do. I encourage you to push yourself into getting uncomfortable. Start by asking yourself thought-provoking questions and allowing yourself time to figure out the answers. Embrace your inner kid and let your curiosity guide you into a path of constant growth.

Por supuesto sabemos cuando nos enojamos, que estamos enojados o enojadísimos, pero cuando eso sucede ya pasamos el punto de transición de tranquilo a enojado. La energía del enojo es tan fuerte que no nos damos cuenta. Es como un shock del que ganamos conciencia una vez que ya estamos metidos en el enojo, y en los casos más graves ni siquiera en ese momento sino hasta después de que ha pasado.

Las causas de esa alteración pueden ser que alguien no siguió nuestras instrucciones, hizo o dijo algo que nos disgusta, no cumplió alguna promesa, o simplemente fallo en su desempeño.

Al surgir el enojo hay una cadena de eventos: el suceso mismo, nuestra percepción de este, lo que pensamos al respecto y el sentimiento del enojo. Pero estos se suceden tan rápido que solo percibimos algo que esta mal, y luego nuestro sentimiento que puede ir desde una molestia leve hasta una energía explosiva que nos hace gritar, enrojecernos y hasta agredir físicamente a alguien con ademanes fuertes o con golpes.

Como será de fuerte esto, y en que grado toma el control de nosotros, que no es raro escuchar a alguien referirse a su último ataque de ira con frases como: “no era yo…”, “estaba fuera de mí…”, “me desconozco…” o “salí de mis casillas…”

Una primera pregunta seria, ¿el enojo me hace feliz?, y aunque la respuesta obvia sería que no nos hace felices, tenemos que reflexionarlo porque si seguimos enojándonos algún placer, aunque sea temporal obtenemos. El enojo surge a veces de una sensación de miedo, y da una sensación de poder, la cual nos permite superar el miedo.

Quizás el enojo nos da el placer de poder, de estar en control de las personas, porque el más enojado y gritón en una situación puede sentir que es el que subyuga al otro y por lo tanto es más poderoso. Pero el enojo nos da varios estados perturbadores que es imposible coexistan con la felicidad verdadera.

En el fondo lo que hay es una necesidad imperiosa de comunicación. Si algo no salió como queríamos es porque no fuimos claros, o alguien ignoró nuestros deseos y expectativas, por lo que con el enojo tenemos la ilusión de establecer una comunicación mucho más contundente. Al final de una buena pelea decimos: “¡le dije sus verdades!”, “¡lo puse en su lugar!”, y otras expresiones que nos confirman que el enojo nos permitió dar un mensaje más firme.

Sin embargo durante el enojo, irónicamente la comunicación se deteriora, una persona presa del enojo puede alterarse tanto que sus frases y gritos son completamente desarticulados y no logra expresarse bien, y para acabar de convertir el suceso en un total fracaso comunicativo, el receptor se espanta, se cierra y básicamente NO esta escuchando, porque su mente esta concentrada en: pensar sus argumentos para defenderse y contraatacar, pensar como puede arreglar la situación, o simplemente observar el tremendo show que la otra parte esta haciendo. En ninguno de estos casos esta siendo un buen escucha.

Una necesidad de comunicación implica una necesidad de acercamiento. Curiosamente entre mas nos enojamos provocamos lo contrario: un alejamiento.

¿Como podemos detectar un enojo y aminorar sus efectos?

Lo primero es comprender la secuencia de sucesos que tiene que darse para generar nuestro enojo, el sentimiento de coraje viene de un pensamiento y este a su vez de la percepción que tenemos de una persona; cuando sintamos que nos empieza a invadir esta emoción, hagamos un hábito el reflexionar ¿que estoy pensando que causa esta emoción? y ¿que percibí como negativo para mí que provoco este pensamiento?, ¿cuál fue el ataque, frustración o decepción?, ¿voy a corregir algo de el con esta furia y todos sus comportamientos relacionados? O me voy a alejar del objetivo de comunicar más claramente el porque las cosas no están bien para mí.

Al darnos cuenta del enojo es útil pensar ¿qué quiero comunicar?, para que esto nos ayude a calmarnos o a buscar un mejor momento. Podemos también imaginar que somos una estrella de cine constantemente bajo el lente de una cámara porque los paparazis no nos dejan en paz y pensar ¿cómo nos sentiremos al ver más tarde un video filmado de nuestro enojo?, en el que tendremos las facciones alteradas, la cara roja, estaremos manoteando y nuestros gritos serán verdaderamente intimidantes. ¿Será ese videoclip motivo de orgullo?, ¿nos sentiremos bien al ver esas escenas?, o por el contrario será algo vergonzoso y aterrador en el que confirmaremos la frase “me desconozco, no era yo mismo en ese momento…”

Estas frases confirman que la energía del enojo tiene una potencia tal que toma el control, nuestro ser esencial queda desplazado y no somos dueños de nosotros mismos, hacemos y decimos cosas que no queremos hacer y decir realmente.

El enojo es un enemigo interno; el verdadero enemigo no son las personas que nos resultan molestas o que consideramos no cumplieron nuestras expectativas, estas personas no son intrínsecamente negativas, prueba de ello que en algún otro momento o circunstancia nos pudieron haber parecido agradables o neutras.

La raíz de la molestia y la frustración por lo tanto del enojo es lo que nosotros pensamos al respecto, el enemigo no es el de afuera, es el pensamiento dentro de nuestra mente el que genera esa emoción.

La próxima vez que te acerques al enojo toma una respiración profunda y pregúntate: ¿mi reacción me permite comunicar mejor lo que quiero a esta persona?, ¿me acerca a ella?, ¿contribuye a cambiar la situación?, ¿mi video mostrara una persona ecuánime y paciente o a un energúmeno? Tal vez si lo practicas te sorprendas con los resultados y mantengas más felicidad.